I Learned Italian - and So Can You!

I'm happy to report that after many years of unsuccessful language study, I was able to learn Italian in a few short weeks. I'm hoping this post will help all of you follow it my footsteps and enjoy my success.

Lesson 1: There are three volume levels in which it's appropriate to speak Italian: loud, loudest and Top of Lungs. Please note that any volume that seems required for a quieter atmosphere (like a nice restaurant) should be completely disregarded and be set to 'loud' at a minimum. If the American tourists at the next table aren't covering their ears, then you're being too quiet. If ever in doubt, select 'Top of Lungs.'

Lesson 2: In Italian, the words themselves are less important than hand gestures. This lack of focus on vocabulary was the key to my quick study! There are several general categories of hand (or sometimes full-body) gestures you can select from.

Group 1: Exasperation. This expression can be subtle, such as hands placed on your hips in combination with a well-placed dirty look (such as when a tourist meekly asks 'may I have a menu please?'). The gestures generally escalate to grander levels including hands raised overhead in a Y-shape, featuring either shaking fists or open palms (also known as the 'Praise Jesus' pose). Don't forget to tailor your volume to the appropriate level of Exasperation -- louder is generally better. Also, there is no need to wait for a legitimate reason to become exasperated with someone. In fact, the more oddly-placed the reaction (such as flipping your lid for having to wait for a pedestrian to cross the street), the more culturally appropriate.

Group 2: Accusation. This group of expressions is often used after Exasperation, but is in no way required. Features of this group usually feature a shaking fist or an index finger pointing sharply in another's face (the closer the better). That same accusing finger can then be used to point at a variety of objects to indicate the source of your frustration (such as 'You did too order the mushroom and peanut butter pizza and by God you're going to eat it!'). Don't forget the finger can also be pointed at "The Heavens" to invoke the wrath of God, although this generally works better in close proximity to The Vatican.

Group 3: Elation. Elation is the rarest of expressions, and therefore the most tricky. Elation can only be used after repeated cycles of Exasperation and Accusation. Just when you've really worked yourself into a lather, you must pause as though you're about to escalate to physical violence. While maintaining intense eye contact, you must quickly reverse course and break out into manic laughter. Grab the person tightly by the shoulders and cheek-to-cheek kiss them repeatedly. This expression is reserved for other Italians only -- no tourists. Be sure to remember to adopt your sour expression after a short course Elation.

There you have it -- only a few short lessons and you're fluent. I hope this short course on Italian will prove helpful on your next trip. Feel free to intersperse some actual vocabulary memorization as needed.